Hopeless in Hoboken
by Fairy the Penguin
Summary: Clarice the puffin, a paranormal investigator, ends up stranded and injured in the Hoboken Zoo after a horrifying incident in New York. Now she has to adjust to her new life...and her new roommate. ON HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1: The Incident

**A.N Those forests actually exist and they really are haunted. Same goes for the The Dakota. The townhouse in this story is made up. As far as I know at least.**

Chapter 1: The Incident

Sector 6 is a branch of the Penguin Agency that serves the purpose of investigating supposed paranormal hot spots. Since the Agency has deemed such things as dangerous to their agents as a bullet in the head, such locations have to be determined and marked off limits for their general well-fare. And that's where my team came in. We were some of the best. At least until the incident that ruined us.

We were ordered to go to New York City, a place already famous for several haunted locations including The Dakota where John Lennon was shot and killed. But where we had been ordered to go was a new location. A team of two penguin agents had entered the area, and had not been heard from. The Agency suspected more than just the usual foul play, which is why they contacted Sector 6 in the first place.

It was supposed to have been a routine mission. Go in, investigate the area, assess the danger level of the area, report back. Not to say that all our missions are easy; they certainly were never safe. The mission to investigate the Hoia-Baciu forest in Romania wasn't; and neither was the mission to investigate the Aokigahara forest in Japan. But this one topped them all.

The area in question was an old abandoned townhouse on the upper east side. We flew there at dusk, making sure to fly as high as possible. A puffin, a mallard, and a black-backed gull are odd enough and might attract some attention. But if the mallard and gull are lugging a trunk full of equipment between them? Yeah, that will definitely attract some attention. That's why we had to be so careful in our approach. But that turned out to be the least our problems.

"Zut alors," came the grumbled complaint from the mallard upon landing. Gerard always complained when we first touched down. He was our tech guy; good with mathematics and electronics. Heavy lifting wasn't his thing, but technically speaking he was stronger than me physically. But physical things like carrying the equipment or fighting, wasn't what he was good at. Actually, chasing girls was more his thing. I can't even begin to count the number of times Michael and I had to go looking for him after a mission was over, all because he went try and get a date. Which never worked by the way.

Michael didn't say anything. He rarely did. And when he did speak, it was sometimes hard to understand him with that thick Irish brogue of his. Especially when he became angry; which was often. He got into fights almost as often as Gerard went out to try and get a date. Only in Michael's case, the fights were usually successful. Which wasn't a good thing. The guy was covered almost beak to tail in battle scars. If it weren't for the fact that he had a high level of psychic sensitivities, he would have been booted out of Sector 6 long ago. But someone with his ability is highly valued, so he tended to get away with more things than others do.

As the scholar of the group, I had already did research about the townhouse. It had been owned by a wealthy business man who, in the 1930's, suddenly murdered his family before committing suicide. Rumors started to fly about why he had done it; everything from insanity to demonic possession. And it didn't help that after the deaths, people who had moved in experienced strange phenomenon. Disembodied voices, shadow figures; things like that. The place was left empty after another murder/suicide occurred in the 1980's. Since the townhouse had been deemed a "historical landmark" was probably the only reason it was still standing. But as far as my research could turn up, no one had entered the place since the 80's. Except the two penguin agents that had gone M.I.A.

I noticed Michael shivering out of the corner of my eye. That was never a good sign. He always sensed the spirits before our electronics picked them up and verified it. And we hadn't even set foot in the place yet. I didn't know if I should be worried or not. But in the end I decided to go through with the mission anyway.

"Come on. Let's do this, then we can go back to the base camp and snooze."

Gerard started toward the building, but Michael hadn't moved.

"Michael? Snap of it; come on," I insisted. Foolishly perhaps.

The gull shook his head as if trying to clear something from it. He stared at me blankly for a moment; as if he didn't recognize me. And that did send a chill up my spine. But then, Michael always had chilled me in a way. Probably because black-backed gulls are the natural predator of puffins. Then his eyes cleared and he seemed to see me again. He smiled, a little sadly I thought.

"Aye. Ima comin', dinna worry. Not yet anyway."

He walked past me dragging the trunk behind him and I shivered; more at his words then his manner. What did he mean that I shouldn't worry yet? I think he knew what was going to happen; he knew, and he knew that there was no avoiding it. I looked up at the overcast sky where the first flicker of lightening streaked across it. It was going to be a stormy night; good for our work since that increases the power that spirits have to draw from. I didn't know that it was actually a bad thing this night.

I entered the building and noticed that Gerard was already setting up the equipment. I cast about for Michael, until I spotted him at the foot of the stairs. He was just standing there; looking up. I didn't know what he was seeing, but from the look on his face I don't think it was anything pleasant.

"There. All ready to go. EMF detectors, thermal imaging scanners, EVP recorders, night vision goggles. Now where to first?"

Gerard looked at me, then at Michael, then back at me. I was the leader, so I had to make the decisions, but Michael was the one who sensed the spirits. I looked over at the gull. He was still standing at the foot of the stairs looking up. I knew from the building plans what was up there; bedrooms, bathroom, and a small set of stairs leading up to the attic.

"I guess we'll start upstairs and work our way back down. No harm in that, right?" was my decision.

Gerard went along with it; he hadn't seen how Michael was acting before we even entered. And Michael didn't say anything at all to my decision. So we all put on a pair of goggles and trooped upstairs. But as I started to head towards the master bedroom, Michael said something for the first time since we entered the townhouse.

"Nay. Let's go to tha attic. That's were it is."

Gerard and I shared an uncomfortable glance. Things like this had happened before, and they always spelled trouble. But we always managed to handle it before. So we made our way to the little stairs, the mallard preceding me. Just as I was about to start up the stairs, Michael grabbed me by the wing. He had a wild frantic look in his eyes. I had never seen him like that before.

"Clarice. We gotta git outta here. Now, before it's too late."

I didn't know what to do or say. Gerard shouted down; asked if we were coming up or if we're were going to leave him up there by himself. I glanced quickly at the gaping black hole illuminated in green by the night vision goggles, then back at the gull who still had a tight hold on my wing. Suddenly his grip relaxed and the look in his eyes faded.

"C'mon. Cain't keep 'im waiting. Let's go."

Michael started up the stairs ahead of me, almost like a sleepwalker or zombie. I stood there for a moment, still undecided, and that's when I heard shouting from above. Gerard panicked; demanding to know what Michael was doing. And the only response was a savage roar. I raced up the stairs, as stupid as I knew that to be; I have seen a lot of horror movies so trust me on that one. And the sight that met me certainly seemed like something from one.

Gerard's neck was bent at an unnatural angle, one wing was ripped off entirely, and as I stood there staring, Michael grabbed the unfortunate mallard's legs and yanked in different directions suddenly and violently; ripping the water fowl almost in two. Just then the storm let loose fully; a torrential downpour beat upon the grime caked windows while staccato lightening raced across the heavens.

Michael stood there panting, covered in the blood of our mutual friend; holding the remains in either wing. Suddenly he stiffened, and slowly turned towards me. I will never forget his eyes. Those eyes were not the eyes of the friend and teammate that I had known. No; those were the eyes of a monster. He grinned at me suddenly; not a nice grin either. More like the grin of a predator who has just spotted fresh prey.

He dropped what was left of Gerard and started to shamble towards me. I couldn't think of what to do. Michael had always been stronger than me; always been the better fighter. But I was the faster of us. I was beginning to think that maybe if I could lead him out of the attic, I'd have a better advantage in a fight when he spoke.

"Ah. Fresh meat. You know with no one coming to live here anymore, it's hard on someone like myself."

That shocked me. Michael had a very pronounced Irish brogue. But he was talking, and it wasn't present. And it was then I realized, that that wasn't Michael. Something in the townhouse had possessed him. Which meant that the theory about demonic possession being the reason for the first murder/suicide in the 30's, and later in the 80's, might just be true. And if so, that would also explain the disappearance of the two penguin agents. Now, I knew I wasn't really a match for Michael but I also knew that I had to get out and get back to base.

The demon possessed gull didn't give me anymore time to think. He, or perhaps I should say it, attacked. I tried my best to avoid getting hit, but at some point during the fight my left wing was slashed. It was a deep cut, but I didn't have time to consider it. I was a little too busy with trying to stay alive. After sustaining a broken leg, I knew I had to end it quick. I didn't want to kill it; Michael was still in there somewhere. So I somehow managed to knock him out. But it took everything I had left in me to do it.

Next step was to get out and get back to base. It took a lot of scraping and prying, but I managed to get the attic window open. I thought flying back would be best. A puffin covered in blood with a broken leg roaming the streets? Might as well put up a sign that says "Free food to all stray cats and dogs" because that's what I'd end up being. I didn't know how bad the injury to my wing was, but the temporary base in New York wasn't that far away. At least it hadn't seemed that way on the trip to the townhouse.

I winced as I spread my battered wings and took to the stormy night skies. The wind had picked up by this time, but I still thought I could make it to base. Then trauma kicked in. I became overwhelmed by what had just happened and started to cry. I tried to stop, tears weren't going to make things better, actually they'd make things worse since I was currently flying. But I couldn't. And I guess I was injured worse than I thought I was. Because suddenly I stalled in mid flap; the wind caught me and veered me sideways, and then I was free falling towards the ground.

It was a good thing that it had been raining for some time; the dirt had turned to mud and that cushioned the fall a bit. If it hadn't, I would had been killed on impact. As it was, I ended up seeing stars. It was either the fall or the blood lost, but I blacked out. And the sudden embrace of oblivion from all the pain was the only thing that I was thankful for that night.

**This is my first story here. Please be kind with your reviews. Not that I think you will.**


	2. Chapter 2: Changes for the worse

**This chapter was a little rushed. Sorry for that.**

Chapter 2: Changes for the worse

My head was throbbing when I came to. I had no idea how much time had passed, or even where I was. My vision was blurry, and I couldn't make out anything. After blinking a few times, I started to notice my surroundings. The most important of which was that I was in a cage. For one panicked moment I thought I had been captured by an enemy of some kind. I tried to sit up, but immediately fell back down. I was still too weak from the blood loss. I gave up the effort to move into an upright position, and flopped back down again. That's when I noticed that my injuries were all bandaged. I heard whispered voices coming from somewhere and getting closer. I closed my eyes and pretended to still be asleep.

"So, how's the newest resident doing Doc?"

"She seems to be healing just nicely. A month or so and she'll be well enough to be put in the habitat with the other puffin."

"That's good to know. The other one seems awfully cranky at times. But at least he's not as bad as the boa."

I tried to make sense of what those people were saying. It rang a faint bell. Cautiously I opened one eye to get a look at the speakers. They were humans; two males. One in khakis, the other in a white lab coat. That's when everything clicked; the habitat, the puffin and boa, the humans. I was in a zoo. I tried to remember if the zoos in New York had puffins and boas, and failed. My area of expertise leans more towards things like the paranormal and the supernatural; things that are relevant to my job.

The man in khakis left, presumably to go look after the animals, leaving me alone with the doctor. He came over and took my temperature; and I refuse to say where he put the thermometer, only that it was humiliating and very uncomfortable. After scribbling something on a clipboard, he walked off leaving me alone. I tried very hard not to think about what had happened to bring me to this current state of affairs. And I guess at some point or other I must have fallen asleep, because I don't remember anything after that until I was fed.

Time seemed to go by very slowly. It seemed to take forever for a month to pass and for the bandages and cast to come off. I noticed with some dismay that my left wing looked a little misshapen. I could definitely tell where I got cut at. But I figured that it was okay; at least I was still alive. I would be taken out to the zoo, wait till night fall, then fly away. That was my plan. Then I heard the doctor talking to the man in khakis.

"She's all better now. Though that wing will never be like it was; the muscle was too damaged. She'll never fly again."

It felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I'll never be able to fly again? If I can't fly, then I might not have a position at Sector 6 anymore. Agents of Sector 6 have to be able to fly from place to place, and fly fast. And taking an airplane generally is not an option. All in one night I lost my job, lost my home, lost my substitute family. I might as well just stay at the zoo then; there's no place else left for me anymore. So I didn't resist when the cage I was in was picked up and carried away.

Hans hated the zoo. He always had. At least it wasn't a disease riddled cesspool any longer. But he still hated it and always would. No matter how many times he managed to escape the place and try to implement some evil plan, Skipper and his team would come and stop him. The he'd get sent back here again. He hated that too. So there he was, standing atop the cement outcrop in his habitat, grumbling and glaring all around him that he noticed the zookeeper coming towards him carrying a cage. This was a new zookeeper; a man named Kirk. None of the zookeepers ever lasted long. Usually because of Savio. The spiteful boa tended to scare off a lot of handlers. All the other animals had bets on how long this one would last. So far he'd manage to last about a month. Hans gave him maybe one more week before he quit. Then someone new would be hired, and the bet would begin again.

Kirk stopped in front of his habitat with the cage, and shoved someone out of it with a simple "There you go. You two behave yourselves." before walking off. Hans turned to look at the interloper and caught his breath. The puffin was a girl. And a very pretty one at that. But then it had been a long time since he'd been in the company of a lady of his species, so he wasn't apt to be picky at this point. The girl didn't even look at him. She merely looked up at the sky and sighed sadly.

Nervously he cleared his throat to try and get her attention. She didn't respond. Hans frowned at this. He didn't want to be ignored, he wanted her to pay attention to him. So he tried again; louder this time. Still nothing. Now he was starting to get annoyed. So now he tried a more direct approach, by simply stepping in front of her and introducing himself.

"Oh, ja. Hello. Welcome to the Hoboken Zoo. I'm Hans, and I guess I'm your new roommate."

He mentally slapped himself after saying that. It sounded so cheesy. Almost like something a flight attendant would say. Hans was beginning to think that the girl would never talk to him, when suddenly she asked him something.

"Excuse me for asking this but, where are you from exactly?"

Hans blinked in some confusion at this. The question did set him back a little. Why ask about his origins? Then it crossed his mind that she must really be asking about his accent. Maybe, he hoped, he had lucked out and ran across a girl that likes guys with foreign accents.

"Oh. Me? I'm from Denmark."

She gave him such a blank stare that it began to make him uncomfortable. Why would she stare at him like that? He had told the truth; he really was from Denmark.

"No," came the last reply Hans expected.

"No? What do you mean no?"

"Your accent sounds German. Ja means yes in German. Your name is typically Germanic in origin. You have to be from Germany originally."

It was Hans' turn to give her a blank stare. What was this strange girl talking about? He knew where he was from, and he was from Denmark. But he got the distinct impression that no matter what he said, she'd remain convinced that he's German and not Danish. So with a shake of his head, he decided to just drop it and move on to something else.

"Whatever. So. What's your name?"

Again she merely stared at him. It wasn't as if he asked her for classified information or anything. He just wanted to know her name. And maybe get to know a few other things about her as well. But that could come later. The moment of silence stretched on and on. And finally, just when Hans thought she wasn't going to answer, she did.

"Clarice. My name's Clarice."

He smiled, which just seemed to make her uncomfortable. But he couldn't help it. It was the first time in years, literally years, that a girl had spoken to him. Sure, that otter at Skipper's zoo had spoken to him. But she was a mammal and didn't count in his book. The same went for Ma Possum. If the female isn't an avian, then it doesn't really count. And Hans didn't care if that was racist thinking or not.

He thought that things seemed to be going well between him and his new roommate/potential girlfriend, even though they hadn't spoken that much, so he thought he'd put his wing around her shoulders. Big mistake. The moment he touched her, she whirled around and punched him in the face. Hard enough to knock him out.

Clarice stared at the unconscious puffin with only slight shock.

"Someone's going to have a black eye later. Filthy pervert."

She felt he deserved it.

**And thus the first of many punches. Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3: Information

**Eh. At least it's something. **

Chapter 3: Information

Hans did like Clarice. Or at least he thought he did. He was a very lonely man, and willing to accept the company of any woman at this point. But the particular woman in question wanted nothing to do with him.

Every time he approached her in a friendly manner, he'd get punched for his efforts. Sometimes in the stomach, but usually in the face. Kirk noticed the bruises eventually, and he was taken to the doctor for treatment. Not that there was much that could be done.

Of course the humans were puzzled about how he got injured. They wrote it off as an accident though, and he was returned to the habitat. And to being maltreated.

"Why don't you like me," Hans asked Clarice one day.

She glared at him, her red eyes filled with hate and a deep seated pain.

"You're asking why I don't like you?" she practically hissed in reply.

He nodded meekly.

"I don't like you because you're creepy, you claim to be from Denmark when your accent says otherwise, and you smell like sage."

Then she turned away, staring out across the zoo at nothing. Hans was downcast by what she had said. He couldn't help how his accent and origin seemed to clash. And he thought that sage was a pleasant and manly odor. He just couldn't understand why she didn't like him.

He still tried his best to get to know her better. Clarice never said anything about where she was from, so Hans thought that if he told her things about himself she'd tell him things about herself.

So he told her about some of the things that had happened in Denmark. Not everything; no, he kept a lot of it secret. But he did mention Skipper and that he had done something bad to get the penguin declared public enemy number one. He didn't say what it was though.

But the more Hans talked about himself, the more Clarice seemed to pull away from him. Which was something else he couldn't understand. His exploits were exciting and dangerous. Any girl should find it interesting, and him interesting as well. But she didn't.

"Ja, so, what about you? Where are you from?" he asked after his long one-sided dialogue.

She stared at him angrily. But she didn't say anything. Then she turned away and continued looking out over the zoo.

Hans thought she must be interested in the zoo. So he decided to tell her about it and the other animals. He told her about how Rhonda the walrus was once an agent for the evil "Dr. Mammal-Fish". And that Clemson the lemur tried, more than once, to usurp the throne of a different lemur at the Central Park Zoo. He also told her about Savio the boa; how he has a vendetta against some of the animals at the aforementioned zoo, and how he continuously drove away zookeepers with his vicious behavior.

That caught her interest. Clarice turned to him with an air of curiosity.

"Wait. So you're saying that this zoo is like a prison of sorts for criminal animals?"

Hans had to think about it for a minute. He saw what she meant, and had to agree with her. A lot of the animals in the Hoboken Zoo had a rap sheet, and some of them were even sent here by the penguins of the Central Park Zoo; the commando team that keeps the peace and saves the world.

"Well, ja, I guess this is a prison," he answered finally.

Clarice's face went blank as she digested this information. She was in a prison for convict critters. It occurred to her what would happen if any of them managed to get out of there. And she realized that she couldn't let that happen.

_"It seems I've found my new purpose. Prevent any of these animals from escaping and doing harm. Well, at least it's better than doing nothing,"_she thought.

Hans took Clarice's moment of introspection to move closer to her. But he got a little too close, and she punched him. Hard. He was knocked out.

"Damn it. Why don't you learn? I don't like you and never will." she said to the unconscious puffin.

**And it ends on more puffin punching. Yay. Please review. **


	4. Chapter 4: A Plot

**I finally have reviews! Yay! Time for more smackdown in Hoboken then.**

Chapter 4: A Plot

Hans was sitting in the only flower bed in the zoo. Or what used to be the only flower bed in the zoo. He had picked some flowers for Clarice as a gift, but of course she wouldn't accept them. And in the end he ended up getting punched in the face for his troubles.

So it entered into his head to do the old "Loves-me-Loves-me-not" with the remaining flowers. Each flower he pulled up and plucked all ended at "Loves me not". It was very frustrating. He was still sitting there when Clemson came walking up.

"Why are you sitting in the flower bed? I didn't know you liked gardening," the lemur said with a smirk. This made the rejected suitor angry. He stood up and suddenly grabbed the wanna-be king be the throat.

"Why do you care? Don't you have anything else better to do than make fun of others?"

"No," Clemson managed to choke out. He was still smirking. That just made Hans suspicious.

"What's with the smile," he asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Oh, it's just that I might be able to help you out. For a price."

Hans let go, and Clemson dropped to the ground gasping. He was still suspicious, but he really did want to win over Clarice. A lonely guy has needs, and isn't always very picky.

"You are sure can help me?"

"Yeah. But like I said, my help isn't free. Nothing is free if you want to get technical about it. Well, maybe air is. Although sometimes I'm not so sure about that."

The puffin was used to those kinds of ramblings, so he let it go and focused on the main issue.

"What is your price?"

Clemson smiled in that creepy way he had before answering.

"I want you to help me get rid of Julien so I can be king of the lemurs."

Hans should have figured that it would have been something like that. But whatever. If it helped him with his romance troubles, then he'd gladly help. He didn't particularly like the idiotic ringtail lemur anyway.

"So how should we do this?"

Clemson started whispering his plan to his cohort. Meanwhile, Clarice was hiding nearby listening in on all of this. She had been following Clemson since he had left his habitat earlier that day. She had made it her job to prevent the criminals of the zoo from doing anything bad, so she had to keep an eye on all of them if she could. But it was hard since there were multiple bad guys, and just her to stop them. She would do her best though.

So she overheard the plan the two were making to get rid of some other lemur in a different zoo. The plan was simple. Get them transferred to the Central Park Zoo for a while, kill Julien while there.

Clarice remembered being told that the penguin Hans had framed in Denmark was living at the Central Park Zoo along with his team. They could definitely stop the assassination plot. But she rather that it not come to that. She'd prefer it if the penguins didn't have to get involved at all. So she had to figure out a way to stop the transfer.

Late that night, after everyone was supposed to be asleep, Clemson and Hans broke into the zookeeper's office. Gaining access to the computer and animal transfer system was a simple thing. It didn't take long for the whole thing to be set up. Tomorrow they'd be transferred to the Central Park Zoo.

"Finally. Clemson shall reign and all the lemurs will bow before me. Except for Julien of course. You know, 'cause he'll be dead. But all the others will be bowing."

Hans rolled his eyes at that.

"Ja. So, how did I win Clarice's heart?"

"I'm not going to tell you yet. Once I'm king THEN I'll tell you."

Hans grumbled at this, but decided not to comment. He was looking forward to tomorrow. He'd have his answer, and could finally have a girlfriend. And maybe if he were lucky, he could get rid of Skipper while he was at the Central Park Zoo.

The two animals left the building. They didn't notice when someone else slipped inside a few minutes after they had left.

Clarice typed furiously. Computers were not her strong point. She knew how to surf the Internet; that was easy. Working programs wasn't. She had always needed help from Gerard for things like that. She had to be careful, or she end up accidentally shipping them off to China.

"Why didn't I learn computers?" she grumbled to herself.

Finally she managed to figure out how to work the animal transfer system, and cancelled the transfer. With a sigh of relief, she quickly cut off the machine and started running back to the habitat. She slowed down and started to tip-toe as she reached the lemur habitat. She peeked inside. There was Clemson, fast asleep and with a smug grin on his face; as if he were already king.

She resumed her return at a brisk trot. As she reached there, she peered around. No sign of Hans. Clarice started to worry. If he had returned and found her gone, he might start to suspect something. She contemplated looking for him, when she heard footsteps approaching. As fast a possible she entered the habitat and hopped up to the top of the cement outcrop.

Just in time too. It was Hans, returning from somewhere else in the zoo. Clarice laid down and pretended to be asleep. She hoped that he didn't know she had been gone. He too entered the enclosure and hopped to the top of the outcrop. But he didn't lay down. He just stood there. Clarice risked a peek. Hans was staring up at the sky with a faraway expression on his face. Then with a huge sigh, he laid down and went to sleep.

The next morning was filled with tension. Hans and Clemson kept looking around for the zookeeper. Clarice kept silently praying that she had typed in everything correctly. The morning slowly wore away to afternoon with no sign of anyone coming to collect the animals for transfer. The zoo closed with Clemson and Hans still there.

That night the two animals met up secretly in the souvenir shop to discuss what had happened. Or rather what hadn't happened.

"Did you type in something wrong? I'm pretty sure you typed in something wrong. I probably should have done it and not you."

"What?! If you think like that, then maybe you should have just done the whole thing by yourself instead of trying to get me involved in the first place!"

"But I thought you wanted to know how to win over that girl you live with."

That stopped Hans from arguing. He had wanted to know. He still did want to know. But he didn't want to go through all that again. Then something crossed his mind. He looked cannily at the lemur.

"Do you really know a way that I can romance Clarice, or were you lying?"

Clemson's eyes shifted quickly back and forth, and he began to fidget. He didn't want to answer. But when he got kicked across the room, he felt compelled to answer.

"Well, actually…no. I don't. But how hard can it be to win over a girl anyway? Maybe you're doing it wrong. That's probably it. You're doing it wrong."

Hans glared in anger. Before the lemur could make a break for it, the puffin attacked him and started to give him a sound beating. Clarice watched all this from one of the windows. She smiled to herself, glad that she had managed to do some good. And glad that the overly talkative mammal was getting what he deserved.

**Well, that was slightly different. But still ends in violence. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5: Bribery

**I'm so happy that I've gotten a few reviews. Quick note: I came up with the Peanut Butter Lunacorns during an RP at the PoM forum that I frequent. Please forgive the shortness of this chapter.  
**

Chapter 5: Bribery

It was another day at the zoo. People came, bought popcorn, gawked at the exotic wildlife, took pictures, and eventually got bored and left. Hans stood on the outcrop glaring at the humans. He hated every single one of them and would have given anything to watch them all burn in a fire.

The sound of a yawn next to him distracted him from his malicious thoughts. Clarice didn't look too well; like she hadn't been getting enough sleep lately. And truth was she hadn't. Though Hans didn't know it, his prospective girlfriend had been staying up late to keep an eye on the zoo's inhabitants. So far there had been no activity, but you never could tell when someone might decide to make mischief.

But as it was, Clarice was running on a few hours of sleep each night. And she didn't even have the comfort of coffee in the morning either. Just an annoying pest of a roommate. So her temper was short. Or rather, shorter than usual.

"Um…Clarice? Is there something the matter?" Hans asked solicitously taking half a step forward.

The female puffin snapped. She punched him hard enough to send him flying into the pool that surrounds the outcrop. He floated there, not daring to go back up. He didn't know what he had done wrong this time, but he wasn't going to risk another hit to the head just to find out.

Later on that day, Clarice wandered the zoo checking up on things. Everything seemed normal. She stopped suddenly in front of the vending machines. She sighed as she looked with longing at the candy bars and soda. She hadn't had a candy bar or soda since before that incident that robbed her of so much. And she knew she couldn't have one now. She didn't have the means to get one. With one sad sigh and one more look of longing, she continued making her rounds.

Hans, who had been secretly following her or as some would call it stalking, noticed how she had looked at the vending machines. Suddenly, he got the idea to get her some candy and a soda. Maybe then she'd like him better. Or at least stop punching him. Which would be good too.

He looked both ways before dashing over to the vending machines. Once there, he squatted down and fished beneath them until he managed to find enough coins for both machines. Now that he had the money, all he had to do was figure out what to buy. Decisions, decisions.

If he bought a soda first, it might get hot while he tried to figure out what candy bar to buy. But if he bought a candy bar first, it might melt before he could figure out what soda to get. In the end he chose to get the soda first. But which soda? Despite the fact that it would look insane to any normal person, not that there were any normal people at the Hoboken Zoo, he started talking to himself.

"Hmm. What soda should I get? Something diet? No. Clarice might think I'm trying to say she's getting fat if I do that. Then she'd definitely hit me. But what if she really likes diet soda? Though who would like that stuff anyway?"

He scratched his head in confusion.

"Eh. Maybe I'll get her a Mountain Dew. People like those, right? Ja, people like those. But they have a lot of caffeine in them and she doesn't look like she's sleeping too well. Too much caffeine might be bad for her right now."

He started pacing back and forth in front of the soda machine.

"Okay. Non-diet, caffeine free soda. That would be best, ja. Let's see then…Ah! Here we go; A&W Root Beer."

With expert aim he threw the coins into the slot, then he jumped up and kicked the button for the correct soda. The can rolled out with a loud clank, and Hans went and fetched it. Step one complete. Now for step two: get a candy bar. He started talking to himself again.

"Alright. So, what should I get? Just a plain chocolate bar? Eh, maybe. Something with caramel? Hmm. Oh! Those things; the unicorn shaped ones! Girls like unicorns, don't they?"

Again he threw the coins into the slot, and leaped up to punch a button for a candy called Peanut Butter Lunacorns. He didn't know what it was. He just knew it was unicorn shaped. If he were to ask any five year-old, or Skipper's youngest teammate Private, he would have been told all about the Lunacorns cartoon show. Not that he cared. All he cared was that it was chocolate.

Having gotten what he came for, he went off in search of Clarice. It wasn't easy to find her though. Eventually he ran into her on the way back to the puffin habitat. She was looking tired and out of sorts. He offered the candy and soda shyly.

Clarice stared at Hans. Then she looked down at the snacks, and then back up at him. Her expression softened as she carefully took them from him. She sat them down beside her before addressing him.

"I don't know what to say Hans. Thanks," she said quietly without looking at him.

Hans was feeling pleased with himself. It seemed that Clarice was warming up to him at last. Or so he thought. Suddenly her expression turned stony, and her voice grew angry.

"But if you think you can just bribe me like this into falling for you, then you've got another thing coming."

And before the confused guy could react, she punched him into fence surrounding their habitat. Then with a "humph", she picked up the soda and chocolate and stalked away. Hans heard her muttering to himself as she walked off.

"Root beer is good, but I'm really in the mood for Mountain Dew right now. But I did hear these Peanut Butter Lunacorns are yummy."

Feeling like he had been so close yet still so far, he passed out.

**I like diet soda; Hans clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. Please review if you care to see more puffin punching.**


	6. Chapter 6: Help From A Friend

**Yeah, I don't know why I picture Hans as being racist towards mammals. But somehow that seems to fit him, so that's why that's there.**

Chapter 6: Help From A "Friend"

Though he hated to admit it, Hans knew he needed help in getting Clarice to like him. But he didn't really know who to turn to for help. Certainly not Clemson. Not after the lemur had lied to him about knowing a way to win her over.

And he didn't want to go to Savio. Another thing he didn't want to admit was that the boa scared him. Hans knew that, if given the chance, Savio would probably eat him. The big snake didn't really like anyone. Except as food.

That left Rhonda and Lulu. Rhonda had once worked for Dr. Mammal-Fish, so he didn't trust her. He didn't trust anyone who had connections to the evil dolphin. Not after what had happened to him when he had agreed to work for him.

So in the end, he went to Lulu for advice. He didn't particularly care for the chimp. But then he didn't particularly care for any mammal of any kind. Hans considered them to be inferior to avian.

When he went to her habitat, he found her relaxing in her tire swing. Hans shook his head in resignation, before steeling himself for what he had to do. The puffin approached slowly and calmly, and stopped a foot away from the primate.

Lulu gazed down at the bird in surprise. In all the time she had been here, she had never known Hans to come into her habitat for any reason. So naturally she was suspicious. She would have been suspicious anyway. She knew that a lot of the animals in the Hoboken Zoo were there because of something bad they had done. She was an exception, and she thought that the other puffin might be an exception too.

Hans fidgeted, not knowing how to broach the subject. Finally he decided to just come out and say what needed to be said.

"I need help with something."

The chimp's eyes narrowed. She didn't like the sound of that at all. If Hans needed something from her, then it couldn't be anything good.

"What is it that you need exactly?" she asked in her distinct British accent.

The puffin refused to look her in the eyes.

"I need help with Clarice. I want her as my girlfriend, but I can't seem to get her to like me."

This shocked Lulu into silence. The villainous bird was coming to her for help with his love life? That was just too unbelievable. It had to be a lie.

"Why come to me, though? Why not someone else?"

Hans turned away halfway in disgust. There was a grimace on his face as if he had tasted something bad.

"Clemson said he'd help me if I helped him, but it was a lie. He didn't really know a way to win Clarice's heart. And I don't trust the others."

Somehow Lulu wasn't surprised to hear that Clemson would do something like that. The lemur would do anything in order to get what he wanted. She shook her head. She still couldn't believe that Hans would come to her for help. But being the good hearted person that she was, she decided to help him. Maybe if he had a girlfriend he'd stop with the villain nonsense and become good.

"Alright. I'll try and help."

The puffin instantly perked up and turned around in amazement. His face was lit up with hope and joy.

"Really? You would really help me?"

"I said I would try to. I'm not saying that it'll work."

Hans was getting desperate by this point, so he was willing to take any help he could get.

"I'll do whatever you tell me to do, ja."

Lulu sighed in resignation. She knew she had gotten herself into something that would not end well. But there was nothing for it; she had said she would help, so now she had to.

"Okay then, listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you. Mind now, that it might not work," she cautioned.

She carefully whispered her instructions to the love struck bird, who listened raptly and intently nodding his head every now and then to indicate that he understood. After she had finished speaking, Lulu watched him dash off. She wished him well, but she felt in her heart that it wouldn't work.

Hans searched the zoo for Clarice. He finally found her by the cheese fountain. He hadn't known that she liked cheese. Though she didn't seem to be eating it. She appeared to be hiding behind the fountain and watching something. But what it was didn't matter at the moment. What mattered was that he had found her, and he could try out Lulu's advice. He hoped that it would work.

He approached her boldly, and almost scared her out of her feathers when he said hello from behind. Clarice managed to stifle a scream, but she whirled on Hans angrily.

"What are you doing sneaking up on people like that?"

Hans felt bad. This wasn't going like he had planned.

"I'm sorry. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Clarice's eyes narrowed in suspicion. She moved away from the fountain, never turning her back on the male. When she was standing opposite him, she stopped.

"Okay. What do you want?"

Hans took a deep breath to calm his nerves before he continued. He really hoped that this would work.

"Clarice, there's something I want to tell you. Something I should have told you when I met you."

Nothing but silence and glaring from the girl standing across from him.

"I really like you. I think you're cute with those little feathers on your cheeks, ja. And I don't mind at all that there's a somewhat ugly scar on your left wing. It adds character actually. So, ja, that's how I feel about you."

He stopped talking and just stood there, trying not to fidget, waiting for her answer. Clarice was appalled. She knew the scar was ugly; she couldn't help that. It was a permanent reminder of what had happened to her that night. But to be told by someone else that it was ugly, well, that pretty much amounted to an insult.

And to be told that the only reason that someone likes you is because of your looks, that also was something like an insult. If you're going to like someone, it should be because of their character and not just because of their appearance. At least that was Clarice's opinion.

So it should have come as no surprise to Hans when she punched him hard enough to send him flying into the cheese fountain. He bobbed to the top, covered in cheese, just in time to watch her storm away. Hans had no clue as to what had gone wrong.

Lulu was about to climb her tree, when suddenly she smelled something like rancid cheese. Then she heard someone say "Ahem", and she turned around to see Hans standing there. Some of his feathers still had cheese clinging to them. Now she knew where that stench had come from at least. The puffin looked angry.

"It didn't work," he said without preamble.

"What did you say exactly?"

"I told her that I like her because she's cute, and that I didn't mind the ugly scar on her wing."

The chimp smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. She should have foreseen this.

"That's not what you tell a girl. You don't point out her faults. And you don't say that you like her just because she's cute."

Hans glared at Lulu.

"You should have told me that earlier then. Stupid monkey. Humph!" he complained before starting to walk away.

That was the wrong thing to say. Now it was Lulu who got angry. Without warning, she attacked the retreating puffin. Hans didn't have to worry about the feathers that still had cheese stuck to them anymore. Because Lulu ripped them out.

**And another fail for Hans. Villains have a downwards learning curve; that's why the keep trying despite how much the hero beats them. Please review.**


	7. Chapter 7: Revelation

**Ever wonder about some of the stuff that happened back in the first chapter? And about Sector 6? Want to find out?**

Chapter 7: Revelation

Clarice had been at the zoo for almost two months now. True, one of the two months had been spent entirely in the infirmary. But it still counted. Two months since the failed mission. She couldn't help but wonder if anyone had followed up on what had happened. Not that she thought she'd ever find out. Clarice knew she was listed as M.I.A.; that others probably thought she was dead. But it couldn't be helped. All she could do was try and survive. One day at a time.

Hans was still looking a bit ragged after having gotten Lulu's advice. And then angering her to the point where she pulled out some of his feathers. He hadn't gone near the chimpanzee habitat since that day. For some reason the loss of his feathers, but more likely the latest failure in his attempt to woo his lady love, made him restless and made it hard to go to sleep. So he was awake when Clarice got up to make her nightly rounds.

He didn't know where she was going, so he quietly got up and followed her stealthily; making sure to keep to the shadows wherever possible. Hans saw her approach the reptile house, and he stopped dead in his tracks. He didn't want to follow her in there. But he didn't have to.

Before Clarice could enter the building, a shadow swooped down from the sky and landed right in front of her. She took a few steps backward before assuming a fighting stance. Then she relaxed a bit as she recognized the mysterious figure. Hans overheard the entire conversation, though he didn't understand any of it.

"At ease solider," the figure said.

"Commander Murk. What are you doing here," Clarice asked with a mixture of surprise and fear.

The moon rose a little higher shedding some light into the area. The mysterious figure was a very stern looking albatross. Hans couldn't place the accent, mainly because there WAS no accent. Maybe there had been at one time, but it must have been erased through some form of training. That was unusual, and a little intimidating. Hans didn't blame Clarice for sounding scared. But why was she calling him "commander"?

"You've been missing for a while Clarice. The second team that was sent in saw no sign of you in the house. The bodies of the two missing penguins were found though. In the basement; badly mutilated. Not to mention Gerard's body in the attic; also badly mutilated. Care to explain?"

The female puffin gulped nervously before replying. What Hans heard next was truly baffling. Something about someone named Gerard, whoever that was, getting killed by someone else named Michael. Who apparently had been possessed by a demon. Then this Michael guy had turned on her and tried to kill her too. She knocked him out after getting injured then escaped. But instead of making it to wherever it was she meant to go, she crash landed in New Jersey. At least now Hans knew how she had gotten that scar on her wing. But who were the people she had mentioned?

"So. That's what happened. A demon. I feared that something like this would happen," the albatross shook his head sadly.

Clarice fidgeted for a minute before continuing her narrative. And so Hans learned that probably one of the reasons that Clarice was so angry all of the time was because she couldn't fly anymore. But he was shocked to learn that she had decided to be a vigilante and watch over the zoo. At least it explained why the attempt that he and Clemson had made to get transferred to the Central Park Zoo to kill the idiot lemur hadn't worked. She had stopped them. He didn't know how to feel about that.

"An agent that cannot fly is an agent that is of no use to Sector 6. Despite your vast knowledge and how fluent you are in several different languages, you are hereby dismissed from the ranks. You are not one of us any longer."

"I know sir. I figured that out quite a while ago."

Clarice looked so sad, that Hans was willing to forgive her for sabotaging the assassination plot. He didn't understand why she should care if they do bad things or not though. As long as it doesn't hurt her it shouldn't concern her, right? The albatross that she kept calling "commander" was getting ready to fly away, when she stopped him with a question that Hans also found perplexing.

"Commander Murk? Sir? If I may ask, you mentioned the bodies of the two missing penguins and the body of Gerard. But what about Michael's body? You didn't mention him."

There was a moment of silence so thick that you could almost cut it with a knife. Commander Murk gave Clarice a canny look, and seemed at first like he wasn't going to answer. But then, with a shake of his head, he changed his mind.

"I shouldn't be telling you anything as you are no longer an official agent. But I've known you since you were young, so I'll tell you. Though you won't like it."

There was a pause. The albatross stared directly into the puffin's eyes before answering, and spoke slowly and clearly. As if to make sure that she understood what he was saying.

"Michael's body wasn't there. The house was searched from top to bottom. There was no trace of him; not even a stray feather. It's like he vanished."

Clarice stared in shock. She didn't know what to believe. But she did know that Silas Murk, the rule-abiding commander of Sector 6, never joked about ANYTHING. If he said that Michael's body hadn't been there, then it hadn't been there. But what could that mean?

"If I were you, I'd focus less on watching the zoo and more on watching my own back. That gull may still be alive. And if he is, there's no telling what mental state he'll be in. Or if he'll even be rid of the demon."

She didn't reply to this. She had no reply.

"Take care of yourself. And find someone that you can trust in this place. You might need the back up one day."

And having finished that sentence, the albatross took off for parts unknown leaving a bewildered girl standing alone. Hans saw her turn around and start heading back toward the puffin habitat in a daze. As quietly and quickly as he could, he raced a head of her in order to get there before her. He didn't want Clarice to know that he knew some of her secrets now.

He got there just a minute before her. He had barely laid down to pretend to be asleep, when Clarice trudged up and sat down beside him. Hans was just debating on whether or not to say anything the next day about all this to her, when a sound he didn't expect to hear reached him. It was the sound of crying.

He sat up staring. He had never seen Clarice cry before. He had seen her look sad on the rare occasion. And he had seen her angry more times than he'd like to count. But he had never seen her shed a single tear. Seeing her like that broke his heart, and he knew that he couldn't be angry with her for what she had done. Besides, Clemson HAD lied anyway. So it hadn't really matter in the end.

"Clarice? Why are you crying?" he asked quietly. He thought he knew why, but he wanted to hear her say it.

But she didn't say anything. She turned and looked at him, eyes filled with tears, but said nothing. She looked away again and resumed crying into her wings. Hans wanted to comfort her, but was afraid of getting punched in the face. So he merely sat up with her, listening to her sobbing, wishing that he could do something about it.

Eventually the sobbing quieted down. Hans looked over, wondering if she were feeling any better. The distressed bird rubbed her eyes, then glanced at the male sitting nearby. For the first time since she had met him, Clarice didn't want to punch him. She still didn't like him, and certainly would never love him, but punching him wasn't what she wanted to do right now.

"I'm fine," she said tersely looking away.

Hans merely stared at her. He knew she wasn't fine. She probably hadn't been fine in a long time. But he couldn't say that. Not without getting hit. Though a part of him wished that she would hit him. At least that way he'd know that she was back to normal. Or as normal as could be expected. So he decided to actively provoke an attack by slowly inching closer until he was right beside her. Then just as slowly, he reached out and put his wing around her shoulders. And she let him.

He was so surprised that he didn't even feel happy about the fact that he was touching her and not getting punched in return. The two puffins sat that way for a few minutes. Then Clarice sighed loudly.

"Okay. That's enough of that," she said before punching Hans off the outcrop. Then she laid down and went to sleep.

Hans floated in the water, trying to process everything that had happened that night. And failing. He tended to fail a lot. At least Clarice seemed to be feeling better. Which was a good thing.

**And now you know. It's not going to be like Manfredi and Johnson; you will find out what happened to Michael. I bet you thought for a minute there that Hans was finally gonna score, huh? Fooled you! Please review.**


	8. Chapter 8: Building Trust

**WARNING: This chapter contains swearing and mushiness. Also, I did look up facts about boas to try and be as accurate as possible. Only problem is that I don't know how big Savio actually is; so I had to guess.**

Chapter 8: Building Trust

The next day Hans was still in shock. He had actually touched Clarice. True it was only for a few minutes, and she immediately punched him afterwards. But he had done it. He had put his wing around her and had held her close. Just for a little while. He saw it as a turning point in their relationship.

She still looked kind of down though, and he wondered if he could do anything about that. He remembered that the albatross had told her she should find someone she can trust. Maybe he could be that person. But how could he get her to trust him? Hans knew she wouldn't if she found out that he had followed her and eavesdropped on what had obviously been a very private conversation. No, he'd just have to find some other way.

Maybe if he tried talking to her again. This time not say anything about her scar. Especially since he knew how she had come by it now. He was still deep in thought when he noticed Clarice slipping away.

"Wait! Where are you going?" he asked with some alarm.

Clarice turned back with an annoyed look on her face. She hadn't forgotten what had happened last night after she had returned to the habitat. And she'd never forgive herself for stooping so low in her moment of weakness.

"Why do you care where I'm going? It's not any of your business," she said callously.

The hurt look on his face made her feel just a little guilty. For a few seconds. Then she shrugged it off. And started to leave again. She had only gone a little way, when she realized that Hans had run after her. The last thing she needed right now was for a pervert puffin to be stalking her.

Clarice whirled around to face him. He looked so concerned for her, that some others would feel sorry for him. But she knew what he had done in the past. Or at least what he had told her. There was more to it, she was sure of it, and none of it was probably any good.

Hans stopped short when he saw the look on her face. He wanted to apologize, but he didn't know what to say. "Sorry that I care enough about you that I had to follow you" or something like that? Why should he apologize for caring? And furthermore, why should he get yelled at for caring?

"Why are you following me? Haven't I told you enough times already that I don't like you?"

He didn't know quite how he should answer that. But he decided to try anyway.

"Ja, I know you've said you don't like me. But I do like you. For more than just your looks now. So I care what happens to you. I'm afraid you'll get hurt by…..by something."

Hans had almost said "by Michael", but he remembered just in time. He wasn't supposed to know that any such person by that name existed. He looked away in nervousness; afraid that she might read more in his expression than he meant to give away. Hans risked a quick peek at her. Clarice looked thoughtful as she considered his words. He hoped that that was a good thing.

The girl considered it very carefully. She would never admit it to anyone, especially not to Hans, but the injury had done more than left her flightless. She couldn't put too much exertion on her left wing without ending up in crippling pain. Clarice wasn't fully disabled; it was something more akin to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. She could use her left wing for everyday things, but not for too long a period of time. That was why she always punched him with her right, and not her left. The strain would be too much.

But she wouldn't admit it. She hated to acknowledge the fact that if an attack came at her from her left in a fight, that she wouldn't be able to properly block it. She was weak in some ways, and she knew it. But the last thing she wanted to do was turn to Hans for help.

Suddenly she scowled at him. That took him by surprise. He had hoped that things would turn out different this time. But it looked like he was wrong. Again.

"I don't want your help. I can't trust you; I can never trust you. You're a bad guy through and through. Now go away and leave me alone!"

Clarice took off running leaving behind a very confused and hurt puffin. Hans didn't understand what had gone wrong. He knew he was a bad guy, but he wasn't totally evil. For one thing, he'd never hurt a lady. That was something that he knew was wrong. He desperately wanted Clarice to trust him. But he didn't know how to do that. What could he do that would make her trust him?

Still without an answer to his riddle, he ran after the fleeing female. He chased her all over the zoo, until they ended up outside the reptile house. That's when she stopped suddenly. Hans pulled up short in order to avoid bumping into her. She turned around angrily at him.

"Would you just go away already?! I have things to do!"

For once Hans didn't shrink back in the face of her wrath. He stood his ground, and stared her in the eyes.

"And what is it that you plan to do? Go visit Savio? You do know that he'll eat you if he ever got loose, ja?"

Clarice blinked a few times; not used to the sudden back talk. She looked behind her at the building that housed the deadly snake. She tried not to shudder at the thought of been eaten. Even though she knew that Hans was right, she tried to bluff her way out of the situation.

"I'm not afraid of him. What's to be afraid of? He's just a boa. A 13 foot long boa weighing around 60 pounds. And with a crushing strength of about 12 psi. And…you know what, the more I think about it the stupider of an idea it sounds to go near him."

Hans nodded in agreement with a shudder. He had been inside the snake once, and it was only temporarily. He didn't want to make a permanent stay. He didn't want that fate for Clarice either. He tried again to get her to leave the reptile house.

"Come on. Let's go. How about we stop by the vending machines? We can get a soda."

Clarice looked indecisive. She knew she should check up on all the animals. But she did want a soda. And she had become afraid of Savio now. She thought about it, and after giving one last glance at the reptile house she finally acquiesced.

"Oh…fine. Might as well, I guess."

The two puffins walked away from the building that housed the deadly boa, and made their way to the vending machines. The entire time Clarice kept glancing over at Hans. She suspected that he might try something. And she was going to be ready to do something about that if he did.

Hans frantically tried to think of something to talk about, and couldn't. The silence was stretching on and on. He was glad when they reached their destination. Like last time he fished under the machines for coins until he had enough money. Once he had the necessary funds, he turned to the mistrusting girl.

"So, what soda do you want?"

Clarice glared at the other puffin for a few seconds before turning to the soda machine. She looked at the selections very carefully before making her choice.

"I'd like a Mountain Dew."

Hans merely nodded before tossing the coins into the slot and leaping up to hit the button. The can dropped down, and he reached in to get it for her. She stared at him the entire time. Hans was determined not to let it get to him. He handed her the drink and then turned to the candy machine.

"Do you want something to eat?"

Clarice was surprised by his offer. She had watched him get the money, and counted all the coins. There had been just enough there to pay for a soda for each of them. If she got something from the candy machine, then that would mean that Hans wouldn't get anything. He was offering to buy her candy at the cost of not getting anything for himself. It was true that she wanted a candy bar. But she wasn't a greedy pig.

"No. That's okay. You get yourself something instead."

This surprised Hans. He didn't expect her to say that. He had to make sure he wasn't hearing things.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm not really hungry anyway," came the reply with a sad smile.

Now Hans was truly surprised. She had smiled at him. It was true that it wasn't a happy smile, but at least it was a smile. And that was better than nothing. Up until then all he had gotten were scowls. Then he realized something. She was trying to be nice to him. For the first time ever too.

Things were beginning to be a little awkward, so he went ahead and got something for himself to drink. It was hard to choose. He tried not to talk to himself like last time. Finally he settled on getting a Coke-Cola. Again he tossed the coins and jumped up to hit the button.

After they had both gotten their sodas, they wandered off to a quiet corner to drink them in peace. There was still that awkward silence between them. Hans didn't know what to say, and it was evident that neither did Clarice. He was beginning to think that the silence would last forever, when Clemson came walking jauntily down the path.

The lemur spotted the two puffins and smiled wickedly.

"Well, well. If the two of you were in a tree, I would be able to sing that old song. How does it go again?"

Both of the puffins glared in anger at the egotistical lower primate as he stood there pretending to think of the lyrics of a certain song.

"Oh right! Now I remember! Hans and Clarice, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Clemson burst out laughing. But his laughter didn't last long. First a can of Mountain Dew hit him in the head, right before he was tackled by Hans who promptly started punching him. Each punch was punctuated by Hans shouting something in Danish. The lemur, not knowing foreign languages, had no clue what was being said. But Clarice, having had to learn various ones for her job, did. And she was surprised at what she heard, and not simply because of the foul words.

"You asshole! Why the hell do you always do things like this?! Coming around here and upsetting someone who is already upset! That's a jerkass thing to do! Leave her alone! You idiotic, asshole!"

If he had any idea of what was being said to him, Clemson would have been angry. But as it was, he was too busy trying to escape the enraged puffin to figure out what he was being called. Eventually he managed to scramble free with most of his fur intact. He then quickly fled back the way he came, and decided not to say anything about what had happened to anyone. Ever.

Hans stood there panting in anger. Clarice was where she had been at the beginning of the fight; still stunned by what she had heard and seen. If she didn't know any better, she would have thought that Hans had been defending her. Could he really like her that much, or was it all just a plot of some kind? She didn't know, but she was touched all the same that he seemed to care about her.

"Did you…mean all that?"

Hans turned around in surprise. He hadn't known that she knew Danish. Now he felt bad. It wasn't nice to swear like that in front of a lady. He felt embarrassed and couldn't look at her.

"Well…ja. I did. I didn't know that you would understand what I had said."

Clarice fidgeted, wondering just how much she should tell this guy. He had defended her, yes, but that didn't mean she could trust him. Not yet at least. She reached a decision. Tell him just a little. But not too much.

"Yes. I know Danish, as well as some other languages."

She looked at him sideways after saying this. Hans knew that this was his chance. If he was going to try and earn her trust it was now. And the first step was to respect her privacy. So he wisely didn't ask anything else about it.

"I'm sorry you had to hear some of that. I know it's not nice to use that kind of language around a lady. But he made me so angry."

"It's okay. Know what is bad though?"

Hans shook his head in some confusion.

"I wasted the rest of my soda when I threw my can at his head," she said with a small smile.

Hans was surprised to see her smile. And it wasn't the sad smile from before. He smiled in return.

"Then let's see if we can find anymore coins, ja."

As they trudged back to the vending machines, Clarice looked over at the guy walking beside her.

"This doesn't mean I like you by the way. Just so you now," she said casually with a smile.

Hans merely smiled at this. She might not like him yet, or even trust him yet. But he felt he was getting closer to winning her over.

**Aww. Wasn't that sweet? Clemson had it coming though. Big time. Please review.**


	9. Chapter 9: Puffin Patrol

**A.N. I did not make up those nicknames; people really have called puffins that. **

Chapter 9: Puffin Patrol

The two puffins stood there as the small family of humans stood looking up at them. Suddenly the young boy spoke.

"Dad, are they parrots?"

Hans was still angered by this, even though he should have been used to it by now. Clarice merely stared off into the distance. He wondered how she could keep her cool during opening hours.

"No, son. The plaque says they're puffins. But it does mention that some people call them sea parrots because of their beaks."

"So they are parrots, then?"

The little girl started to whine.

"They're BORING. They don't do ANYTHING. Can't we go to the Central Park Zoo in Manhattan and see the penguins? They're cute and they actually do something. Unlike these stupid parrots."

The father sighed in resignation. He agreed to his daughter's demand and walked off with his two children. Hans scowled at their retreating figures before pacing back and forth on the outcrop. Today was not a good day. First Clarice woke up in a bad mood; bad enough to punch him for no reason. And now he gets called a parrot by a bunch of no-nothing human tourists.

Clarice glanced over at her roommate. Her left wing had been hurting her since she had gotten up. The reason she had punched Hans was because he had chosen that wing to pat. He had merely done so in a friendly manner and hadn't meant anything by it. And he didn't know about how bad her left wing had been injured. So it hadn't really been his fault. She felt bad about her actions, but was too embarrassed to apologize.

"It is true though. The whole sea parrot thing. Some humans even refer to use by such charming nicknames as 'clown of the ocean' and 'sea rooster'. Though I'm not entirely sure where the rooster part fits in," she deadpanned.

Hans stopped his pacing to stare at her. Did humans really call puffins such things? Somehow it didn't surprise him. He wondered if Clarice was in a better mood yet, so he thought he'd risk asking. Again. He had tried asking earlier, and all he'd gotten was a glare and a scowl for his trouble.

"Uh…so…are you feeling any better?"

Clarice eyed him cannily. She hadn't really told him much of anything about herself, but he at least had a right to know why he had gotten punched in the face that morning. It was only common courtesy after all, she assumed.

"…Not really, no. My left wing hurts. It's been hurting since I got up. That's why I hit you; you touched it and didn't make things any better."

Hans felt horrible now. He had hurt her. Unintentionally, yes, but he had still hurt her. He felt he had to make it up to her somehow. If he could just find a way to do so. But how? Hans resumed pacing as he tried to figure it out. Clarice mistook his silence for anger.

"Look, I'm sorry I lashed out at you. It's just…the pain in my wing. It reminds me of.…of something awful…," she trailed off.

The puffin stopped his pacing to look over at the apologetic girl. He knew what she had almost let slip. She had almost let slip how she had gotten injured in the first place. Hans couldn't tell her that he already knew. Not when things were starting to go well between them. She would hate him if she knew that he had spied on her. So he kept his beak shut about that.

Hans knew that she hadn't given up on looking after the zoo; making sure that none of it's criminal residents got up to any mischief. But she was in pain today; he couldn't let her go out. That was when he figured out what to do. How to make it up to her for hurting her earlier, and how to help earn her trust.

"You should rest up today. I'll go around the zoo for you."

Clarice was puzzled by this. As well as a little suspicious. She didn't trust Hans. What if it was a trick; a ploy to escape the zoo while she wasn't looking? Her eyes narrowed as she considered the possibility. She didn't know if she should let him go off by himself or not. But her wing really was hurting her. In the end, she decided to throw caution to the wind.

"Oh alright. But you'd better not try anything."

Hans grinned broadly and nodded his head. It seemed like she was starting to trust him. A little. Maybe. He hoped. Either way, he was determined not to let her down. He would do a good job of protecting the zoo.

He left Clarice laying down to rest. He started his patrol at the walrus habitat. Hans did not like Rhonda. Maybe it was because she had worked for Dr. Mammal-Fish; he didn't really know. He stared at the fat marine mammal, and she stared right back at him. Then with a huge leap, Rhonda jumped into the pool splashing water all over Hans. The sea bird sputtered, trying to get the foul liquid out of his mouth. With a last glare, he left the walrus and moved on to the other animals.

Hans avoided the chimpanzee habitat; Lulu wasn't a criminal. And he also avoided the reptile house. For obvious reasons. So he made his next stop the lemur habitat. He stopped behind a bush. Some kids were throwing things at Clemson. Hans would have felt sorry but then he remembered who it was, and realized that he didn't care what happened to the obnoxious lemur. When the kids got bored and left, he came out of hiding and approached the habitat.

Clemson was picking up trash when he spotted the puffin. He growled to himself; remembering his last encounter with the bird. He tried to ignore him, but he just kept standing there; staring at him. Finally he gave up on trying to ignore Hans.

"And why are you here? I'm guessing you're not here to help me clean up. So why don't you just go somewhere else. Like back to that girlfriend of yours."

Hans's eyes narrowed. He knew what Clarice's reaction would be if she were here and had heard that. He was debating about whether or not he should make some kind of remark in return, when the lemur started throwing the trash at him. At first he just tried to defend himself, but then he got angry and decided to retaliate.

Dodging from left to right, he ran up to the wall surrounding the habitat and leaped over it. Seeing that he was in, Clemson dropped the rest of the trash and tried to make a break for it. He had only managed to run but a few steps before Hans overtook him and threw him to the ground. He found himself looking into the eyes of the enraged puffin. He felt like he should apologize, but he didn't really feel sorry. So it would have been pointless.

"You will pick up all that garbage and throw it in the trash can where it belongs," the bird demanded.

Clemson decided to go along with this if it meant avoiding another beating. Under close scrutiny the lemur picked up all the remaining trash in his habitat, and then all the trash that he had thrown outside it. Once all of it was gathered up, he was marched to the nearest trash bin where he dumped it all.

"There. Satisfied?" he asked glaring; his pride and other parts hurt.

"No. I'm not satisfied. I want you to leave Clarice alone. Or else."

The lemur knew that Hans didn't make idle threats. With a curt nod of his head, he agreed. But secretly he wasn't really planning on keeping the agreement. It wasn't like he had given his word or anything. Which meant, so he thought, that he could back out anytime he wanted to. He'd just have to be careful of when and where he chose to do so.

After having seen to Clemson, Hans finished going round the zoo. Finally he was done, and could go back to his habitat for some rest. As he approached, he noticed that Clarice was standing on the outcrop looking around. He figured that she must have been waiting for him. That made him feel good despite some of the things that had happened today. So naturally he rushed up to say hello. As he drew near her though, she recoiled and waved her wing in front of her face. She look disgusted.

"Ugh. What happened to you? You stink," she said without greeting.

That's when he realized why everyone he had encountered after leaving Clemson all cringed away from him. They were all trying to get away from the bad smell. He felt embarrassed. He left quickly to go get cleaned up somewhere. Normally he would have just taken a swim in the pool of their habitat, but he was worried about stinking it up. Hans figured that that would just make Clarice unhappy with him.

After several minutes of hard scrubbing elsewhere in the zoo, he returned in a much less odoriferous condition. Clarice was still standing there waiting. He was happy that she had waited for him, but was still a little concerned nonetheless.

"Did you get enough rest today? Is your wing feeling any better?"

Clarice averted her gaze; looked down at her left wing. She touched it gingerly. Hans could see the pain in her eyes, but decided not to comment on it. If she wanted to tell him about it, then he would let her do so in her own time and her own way.

"I guess I got plenty of rest. And my wing…well, it's feeling as good as it ever will. Tell me about how things went."

Glad to divert her from her own troubles, Hans eagerly told Clarice everything that had happened that day. She nodded; never commenting. When he told her about Clemson, her eyes narrowed. She had started pacing to and fro by the time he had completed his narrative. Clarice stopped her pacing and had her back turned to the other puffin. She was deep in thought; considering everything she had been told. Finally she turned to face him, an expression of wonder on her face.

"You actually did it. Patrolled the zoo and didn't try to do anything bad while I wasn't watching."

Hans was a little hurt by this.

"Ja, I told you that that's what I would do. I wish you wouldn't think of me as a villain all the time," he looked down in sadness.

Clarice felt somewhat bad. But then, she also felt that she was justified in her mistrust of him. He had done bad things in the past. And those past actions would always leave their mark on him even if he never did anything bad again in the future. But maybe, just maybe, there would be hope for him; that he could change and be good. Emphasis on maybe.

"Well, I'm proud of you for what you did today. You did good."

And she didn't say anything after that. Just went and sat down. Hans felt that, perhaps, all hope was not lost yet.

**Hmm. Well! Hans is winning over Clarice, it seems. Maybe, maybe not. Please review.**


End file.
